The intensity for which I once committed to blogging years ago had gradually and often rapidly diminished to the point that I no longer saw one.  To be one among millions, if not billions doing it, the yearn for connections, to find out that alone is not constant, ah well, one could dream right.  Undergraduate years ended over six months ago.  The dynamics that I leaned for four years were likewise over.  I graduated with accolades and among friends.

In time I began to miss the very atmosphere of it because there I felt like a made some kind of difference and the results very visible quite regularly.  I am not prone to indifference, its not an easy thing to fall into, once in harder to get out.  I didn't actively pursue employment before, during, and not quite after college.  I felt stressed out, maybe a little burned out after my last undergraduate semester, I had already passed on going straight to graduate school in the fall even the talk that a graduate degree would boost job opportunities in a struggling economy. 

I have the means, just not the drive  or the knowing as to what a further degree would offer to me.  I wouldn't mean to make it sound selfish, but money what it is, I don't want to spend large quantities without being somewhat clear about its use/purpose.  Frugality has not always been an active money habit in my life, and it was frugality mixed with determination that made undergraduate college years payable up front without a loan.  That's right no loans to pay off for which I am deeply grateful for.  Because of a sizable trust account, decades old bonds, and a scholarship I never needed a loan to pay my way through college.

With college, I was very scaled back to focusing on a semester by semester basis except during final weeks.  I had more than a few upending experiences in my first year, which I try to rarely speak off, but the effects linger, particularly my predisposition to be sure that I have dependable locks and reliable doors.  When you get robbed its disturbing, as a hard of hearing person, I wouldn't say its worse than others, but in some way it has felt that way.  I mean if my hearing was better would I have heard them?

I don't know there's a lot about that one night I can be sure of ever.  I simply try to move and hope I don't ever experience something in that vein again.  I begrudgingly took responsibility for most of the consequences to that one night twist (as to blame or fault... it could be cast on me or on whoever robbed me).  Timing was also 'against' me at that point as it was less than three weeks until semester ended, but I was fairly confident about getting everything done on time... until that happen.  Then I went into a panic mode, tried to keep my head on straight, obtain a laptop replacement from the college IT, but of course to get one I had to pay for it (school policy).

At first I was almost ready to rail against it, but policy is policy, no exceptions.  I did it, but the laptop turned out to be a lemon though it served its purpose.  I eventually replaced when they announced they were upgrading laptops and I didn't have to pay to upgrade laptop models. Of course I continued to be bothered by laptop problems right until my fourth/last year.  My last year was the smoothest, most enjoyed, but ultimately felt like it came and went like the wind.  Everything that happen in between seem to put a buffer between me and what happen during my first four months of college... of course that's provided there's something to do and not a lot of time to reflect on the 'bad' things.

Every so often a 'bad' thing sets off a cascade reaction in my thinking so I remember all the other 'bad' things, but I try not to... sometimes I suspect I think too much for my own good.

Maybe college wasn't exactly the real world, but it was eye opening in more ways than one.

Things that were once the source of my stress are no longer yet new things have taken their place.

Much is either very slow or very fast nowadays.  All is time now.

I spend roughly two to three days a week shifting or shelving books at the library.  They can't hire anyone right now so its basically my own volition to be there and do it.  They are understaffed and often those working at the front desk do get sick.  Plus do to a reduced staff they don't really have much time to sort through all the returns and put them back in place.  The sights that 'greeted' me upon the first few weeks there was disheartening though amendable.  Books shouldn't be left to the chaos of disorganization.  So I basically was merely putting books back at first though the more aisles I saw in disorder... the more I sought to rectify that and I did with a vengeance.

It is a weekly thing to stay ahead of letting it succumb to the indifference of someone not being back there to manage it.  Of course they sent me to other areas of the first floor after the stacks was more or less back in order.  They told me I had done too much, but to me it had to be done.  The same sort of mess was before me in the BSI area though not as severe.  It was soon amended much to their surprise, but when motivated one person can make a difference even if its just library shelves.  This was the essence of my library afternoons until the end of last year.

January and the start of this month I was sent to another area where the preceding year books were to be moved out for the new year's books.  The ones that were there were ones I had to re-shelf to Stacks the month before. So the filling off fiction shelves came with their old area, the vacant shelves were soon filling to capacity.

My on-going task involves hardcovers and large print books, which there are hundreds if not thousands to shift about for more space as there are some shelves that are jammed beyond capacity and others that are vacant (at least there were until yesterday).  As yesterday I shifted several book cases worth of books though I had done the same the week before. The task can get tedious, boring even, but occasionally I'll come across a title that cracks me up or I'll stop for water.... I dehydrate too fast I think. At the end of the afternoon, I'm sore, tired, even hungry, but usually satisfied with what I have done.

Once Elaine (the woman that gave me the opportunity to take this volunteer job) said to me I think the other librarians here kind of take advantage of you when you go do sections they would mind if we weren't understaffed. I said I didn't mind that much because it feels better to stay busy with something rather than sit around waiting for something to come my way to just put back.  I realize I'll soon run out of areas to straighten up, but so far it hasn't happen yet.  All in all its been a learning experience in its own way.

The wonders of the library are unending, but rarely did I know what these men and women go through to keep the place running even when their numbers are barely adequate to the task.  So now I think I know more than I once did.

The compliments for my efforts have not ceased.  Maybe I do push myself too hard with this shelving business, but me I just can't let it slide back into what it was.  I admit my own room can look bad, but some of what I saw there was worse.  I learned there are many kinds of indifference and ones for the state of library book shelves are fewer than elsewhere, but the point is this is meant to be a place of imagine, learning, etc.

At least it has always been that to me... I have seen book stores far better organized than this, but book stores have big staffs usually... this decades old library does not.

Helping others at least with a library has had a more positive effect on my thinking than anything else from the last six months.

Sure I wish I wasn't the only one there, but I was told others quickly bore of the task because they want to do more than shelve. Some times I want to as well as, but shelving and shifting is always in need of doing and the rest is self-explanatory.

I'm usually at a loss as to how to direct someone to find something if they offer me some sort of broad say about what they are seeking... so I say is there an author or a number they are looking... usually they don't have that... in their position I usually didn't either.  So I say ask at the desk, they can help, they usually turn away when I can't provide an instant solution, I just shelf books I don't know everything about the layout.

Almost nothing done with arm work or legwork happens instantly .

So are we society that wants instant everything... maybe... maybe not... I don't like going too fast... nor do I like too slow... my pace... is just not really up to speed apparently... ultimately I am neither the hare or the tortoise.

most of my notions about romance have been shuffled, reshuffled, cut across the table, and never quite came back the same when facing shifting houses made from cards.  i never known nearly as much as i used to think i knew about relationships.  in many ways i know far less than i think even now.  the closest i don't mind getting is a hug or a closeness that doesn't mean you are expecting it get more physical in a flash.  i already had that error among others happen.  not that i fear getting that close again, you just crisscross boundaries that are paper thin to get that close to someone if you want to get that close.  i admit attractions now and again though i rarely venture passing the verbal admissions. i have seen as a peripheral how bad some relationships turn and at other times there's a pinprick of envy too. 

sometimes you wonder if things in your life could make you twisted in ways you can't perceive or even feel its like knowing that something just never quite feels right.  its like grasping for invisible straws and wondering if life would ever taste that good for real, not just a passing happening. the heights don't last indefinitely, the plunges happen sooner or later, and so you see that someone again in the distance then wonder if you ought to pursue or not.  so you just keep walking knowing you could done the exact opposite, always having flashes of regrets.  you just go and do what you do to occupy your mind.  its about getting on with life and hoping the meaning can be found.

you just have such a mix inside and refer to yourself in third person quite often... its time to go again.

the year is passing quickly now, very few things as usual stick out from this year on its own.  an awkward new years thing, another fairly productive semester, friends graduating ahead of me, a professor takes a job elsewhere, it was a wonderful opportunity for her.  i just got too used to having this large of a circle of people to pal around with that once they were gone, i felt left behind or out, or just missing them would be a better way to put it. it all comes and goes quickly enough even if you are paying attention and sort of enjoying yourself.  a funeral and an abroad trip somewhere in the middle of this year followed up by the beginning of my last year of college.  the daunting task of job or grad school after the spring semester finishes is another thing though i know its importance, i just am tired of the anxiety that flings at me under the heading of deadlines and decisions.

its not immediate, but less than a blink its again on my doorstep or my lap. i'm tired, bored, and not really that happy some of the time. i'll snap out of it or at least find someway to be less of this and more of the me that i think is less difficult to look at in the mirror and more the me that finds pleasure in most things. however i'll just be living with this version of me for as long as its around, there's no forcing a switch over in outlook or feeling.